Sunday, May 6, 2018

A Time To Let Go

I sit in my house, alone, knowing what tomorrow is. I'm writing a blog that has been a year in the making. This blog is more for me to close a chapter than for you dear reader. Please bear with me.

On May 6, 2017 a dear friend had a party to celebrate a big accomplishment. I had spent the night so I could help clean up when the party was done. Aaron had been invited tospend the night as well but made the excuse the dogs would need to be taken care of. As I had pointed out we could probably get a neighbor to let them out for us a couple of times I found this strange but went with it. As I drove home late on the morning of May the 7th I couldn't get a hold of Aaron. Also strange.

I got home to find no one home. Not a living creature. Not Tegan, not Tanwen, not Seren, not Munro. No Mr. Holstein, or Gus, or Anna, or Nina. Items Aaron held in high value were gone. I knew as I took in the scene in what had happened. He had left me and in an act of cruelty he took all my babies with him. I've had people be shocked as I have told them this at how cruel it was. I wasn't. The man I was married to for 18 years is extremely cruel and will strike the lowest blow if he feels you have wronged him. I would later find out he had opened a new bank account the day after he had told me he didn't want to lose me. Lie after lie began to come to light.

A few months before he left he physically attacked me. I was too scared to call the police. I ended up calling a friend. We started marriage counseling. I thought maybe things would get better. I know now it was just lip service.

It's amazing what solitude and reflection will help clarify. I can now look back at my "marriage" and see it was all about him. What else should I expect from a narcissist. I can see the manipulation. The gas lighting. I can see why he never maintained friendships. To hard to keep the facade up over a long period of time.

I'm not going to use this to rehash everything that has happened this past year. Just know that he continued to try to manipulate me even after he left. This past year has been one of the best of my life while at the same time being the most hellish. I get reminded every day on Facebook the babies I have lost. I was told in July Seren died. Interesting how that text came after we filed for temporary orders. I still believe she is alive and it was an attempt for me to contact him (I went no contact a couple of weeks after he left when it became clear we were not going to be able to work this out like adults).

Our divorce was final on April 13th. The house will sell on May 14th. This chapter of my life is about to close. I only have to deal with him one more time, next weekend when we divide the community property. I do not look forward to being in the same room as him. I have begun to rebuild my life. I graduate from an intense IT training program on May 25th. I look forward to going to a job every day and solving problems once again. Only this time, I will be working for me.

A year has gone by. I look at who I was a year ago and I look at who I am now. What a year of change. I am using this blog to publicly close this chapter, to let go. I hope a year from now when May 7th rolls around I smile and think wow girl, Look at you go!

Until Next Time


  1. I didn't know the old you but the more I learn about the new you I discover more depth and wonders!

    I hope that this brings to an end this chapter of your life and you stride forward into YOUR new chapter. From what I know of you, the future is yours for the taking!