For the past 7 years, I have felt like Julius Caesar and I have something in common. Its the day we were both betrayed. Caesar by fellow Romans. Me by my own body. If you have followed my blog for any length of time you know I suffer from Fibromyalgia and an autoimmune known as CREST Syndrome. In the days leading up to this anniversary, I have thought about the past 7 years a lot. Especially in the context of the past year.
I've been doing better. Over the past 15 months I've lost 51 pounds. This has allowed me to move more with less pain. I'm glad I had already started to lose weight when my husband decided to walk out on me. I could not have handled working the jobs I have worked with the pain I had been in. I worked weekends last fall at a Rein Faire. They were long hard days, but I was blessed by working for my friend and fellow Spoonie Ruby. We watched out for each other and made sure not to use up to many spoons each day at take lots of rest breaks. I spent three months working for Target stocking shelves. There were so many days I came home from Target rung out. In January I started to work for my towns Parks and Rec department, where I am also on my feet most of the time. All the while I continued to look for an office job.
I stated to a close friend in January I knew my technical skills were a little out dated, which I felt was keeping me from finding full time work in an office setting. I just didn't know how to go about getting them updated without paying to go back to school. In my current financial situation, that was just not an option. A few weeks after making that statement the opportunity I had been looking for presented itself. A 12 week training program in Application Support Management with job placement help for every successful graduate. Just what I needed!! I went through the multi-interview multi test process and ended up being one of 22 selected (over 90 applied).
Upon finding out I was accepted I felt two things at once. Overjoyed to finally get a professional break and terrified. The training program would be in downtown Dallas Monday - Friday 9-5. So not only would I need my employers to work with my new schedule (Target declined to) but I would need to the spoons to take on this additional task. There were so many days after working at Target and the Rec Center I barely had the spoons to feed myself. How the heck was I going to pull this off for 12 weeks?
My parents have been incredibly supportive through the divorce. In talking to my mom about my new undertaking she expressed concern for me and my health about doing the training program and working my jobs. Thanks to Target not working with me (after telling me we'd talk about it for a week and a half) I only had one job to worry about. Of course this spawned another concern, paying the bills, as I had barely been getting by. Once again my parents are being amazing and are helping me bridge the gap.
So dear reader why am I telling you this? As you know I do tend to make points. Mine is this. For years after getting sick I never thought I'd ever get close to leading a normal life. That I'd never work physical jobs again. Or work full time. I have been in my training program for almost two weeks now. I'm doing it and I'm not just getting by. I'm doing well and keeping up with the homework. I'm doing things again I never thought I would do.
So on this historic day of betrayal I want to send out a message of encouragement. I don't know what is going on in your life, but have hope it will get better. It might not be soon. I had to wait 6 years for mine. Don't give up. You never know what amazing thing might be around the corner. And if your a fellow spoonie - I'd love to connect with you.
Until Next Time
Melissa
Showing posts with label CREST. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CREST. Show all posts
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
2017 - Year in Review
Dearest Reader,
I must apologize about my silence as of late. Well, It would appear almost all of 2017. There are many times I would have loved to have written to you. I felt it was best not to. My silence has been quite intentional.
2017 was going to be better than 2016. Or at least that was the plan. I had plans to really build my brand. Start a Youtube channel geared towards my fellow spoonies. Blog more. Instagram more. Jump start my jewelry business.
Things in 2017 started off rocky in my personal life. So clearly my attention was elsewhere. Aaron left me in May and I decided to stay fairly silent on the matter. I'm sure he expected me to lash out every which way on social media. Sometimes I don't behave as expected.
I've learned number of things since my marriage broke up. A few I'm going to touch on in this blog. The first thing I learned was you find out who your real friends are real quick in a divorce. For the record, if I ask you have you heard from Aaron and you tell me no, you may want to make sure you are either telling me the truth or I have no way of verifying it. In this instance your insistent no was quickly proven out to be a lie. I was checking cell records daily. Your number was on the text logs a lot. Don't feel bad. A few people got caught that way.
As I said you learn who your real friends are. These are the friends that step up, circle the wagons with you. The friends who call more, check on you more, make sure you're eating once in awhile. I am very blessed to have a number of these amazing friends, both locally and via the internet.
I've learned you are given what you need when you need it. Almost a month after Aaron left, my friend Annie and I were out in my jewelry studio when Annie thought she heard a cat. She did some digging and found some very weak, dehydrated, flea covered kittens that we estimate were about a week old.
Annie and I quickly ran to petsmart and bought a bottle and formula and then went to Target for some Dawn dish washing soap (for the fleas). Did you know kittens need to be fed every three hours? I didn't. Guess what I ended up doing. That's right, feeding kittens every three hours for three or so weeks. I was never so happy when I was able to wean them and they could eat kitten food. So many people told me how amazing I was to do this for the kittens. Maybe yes, probably no. They gave me something to focus on, someone to help. In one small way I could effect positive change in the middle of my life being thrown out of wack. Also, you should know all the kittens found furever homes. I did end up adopting one of the black ones.
I've learned it's okay to be alone. Until a few months ago, I had never lived on my own. I got married in college. I went from having a roommate to having a husband. At first I didn't know what to do with myself. Change is scary, but it's not always bad. I've learned to embrace the solitude and the quiet. I boxed up things that weren't mine. I rearranged rooms. I made this space mine and mine alone. I turned my house into a place of peace and rest.
While I was learning how to live alone, I also learned I really don't know who I am. I recently ran across this and it made me think:
It was like somebody took a bucket of cold water and threw it on me. Talk about a light bulb moment. I'm still thinking about it and trying to figure out what to do with it.
Traditionally I try to learn something new each year to improve myself. It's typically a skill of some kind. Find something I'm interested in and take a class or read up about it. So here is what I've decided. 2018 is going to be the year I learn about me. Old baggage is going to be left at the curb for garbage collection. Toxic people no longer have a place in my life. It's time to get to know me, a balanced and healthy me.
And here is some food for thought. Despite society telling me I should be upset over the break up of my marriage, I've found I'm a much happier person. And healthier (to date I'm down 39 pounds). They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go!
Until next time
Melissa
I must apologize about my silence as of late. Well, It would appear almost all of 2017. There are many times I would have loved to have written to you. I felt it was best not to. My silence has been quite intentional.
2017 was going to be better than 2016. Or at least that was the plan. I had plans to really build my brand. Start a Youtube channel geared towards my fellow spoonies. Blog more. Instagram more. Jump start my jewelry business.
Things in 2017 started off rocky in my personal life. So clearly my attention was elsewhere. Aaron left me in May and I decided to stay fairly silent on the matter. I'm sure he expected me to lash out every which way on social media. Sometimes I don't behave as expected.
I've learned number of things since my marriage broke up. A few I'm going to touch on in this blog. The first thing I learned was you find out who your real friends are real quick in a divorce. For the record, if I ask you have you heard from Aaron and you tell me no, you may want to make sure you are either telling me the truth or I have no way of verifying it. In this instance your insistent no was quickly proven out to be a lie. I was checking cell records daily. Your number was on the text logs a lot. Don't feel bad. A few people got caught that way.
As I said you learn who your real friends are. These are the friends that step up, circle the wagons with you. The friends who call more, check on you more, make sure you're eating once in awhile. I am very blessed to have a number of these amazing friends, both locally and via the internet.
I've learned you are given what you need when you need it. Almost a month after Aaron left, my friend Annie and I were out in my jewelry studio when Annie thought she heard a cat. She did some digging and found some very weak, dehydrated, flea covered kittens that we estimate were about a week old.
Annie and I quickly ran to petsmart and bought a bottle and formula and then went to Target for some Dawn dish washing soap (for the fleas). Did you know kittens need to be fed every three hours? I didn't. Guess what I ended up doing. That's right, feeding kittens every three hours for three or so weeks. I was never so happy when I was able to wean them and they could eat kitten food. So many people told me how amazing I was to do this for the kittens. Maybe yes, probably no. They gave me something to focus on, someone to help. In one small way I could effect positive change in the middle of my life being thrown out of wack. Also, you should know all the kittens found furever homes. I did end up adopting one of the black ones.
I've learned it's okay to be alone. Until a few months ago, I had never lived on my own. I got married in college. I went from having a roommate to having a husband. At first I didn't know what to do with myself. Change is scary, but it's not always bad. I've learned to embrace the solitude and the quiet. I boxed up things that weren't mine. I rearranged rooms. I made this space mine and mine alone. I turned my house into a place of peace and rest.
While I was learning how to live alone, I also learned I really don't know who I am. I recently ran across this and it made me think:
It was like somebody took a bucket of cold water and threw it on me. Talk about a light bulb moment. I'm still thinking about it and trying to figure out what to do with it.
Traditionally I try to learn something new each year to improve myself. It's typically a skill of some kind. Find something I'm interested in and take a class or read up about it. So here is what I've decided. 2018 is going to be the year I learn about me. Old baggage is going to be left at the curb for garbage collection. Toxic people no longer have a place in my life. It's time to get to know me, a balanced and healthy me.
And here is some food for thought. Despite society telling me I should be upset over the break up of my marriage, I've found I'm a much happier person. And healthier (to date I'm down 39 pounds). They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go!
Until next time
Melissa
Sunday, December 18, 2016
Self Care and Why You Need To Do It
Dear Reader,
It's time we talked about self care. This is important for normal people and for us spoonies. I know a lot of you don't invest in self care which is why we are going to have ourselves a little chat. Now you may be asking yourself, what makes this random blogger an expert? Well dear reader, I have lived with fibromyalgia and an autoimmune disease called CREST for over 5 years now. If I do not take care of myself daily and set up boundaries I get myself in a whole mess of trouble. Trouble equals a flare and me being in bed for days if not weeks. It is my goal in this blog to impart to you some of my hard-gained knowledge in the world of self care.
Go grab yourself a drink. Coffee or tea if that's what you need. Something stronger if that will help. I'll wait... Are you ready? Then let's do this.
Step One - Figure out the energy you have. In the spoonie community we call this our number of spoons. For my readers who might not be familiar with Spoon Theory you may find it here. Now your energy level should be what you can accomplish on a normal day. Not a full on emergency situation day. This is the energy level you have without being totally wiped out. The kind of day where you go to bed tired, not the kind of day where you literally fall into bed.
Step Two - Now that you have figured out what you can get done in a day, you need to prioritize your day. What must get done versus what you'd like to get done. These priorities might change from day to day. For example, must the laundry get done today? If you still have clean clothes to wear and you have more pressing matters, I'd put that on the "like to get done" list. It is very important you learn the difference between "like to get done" and "must get done." You are not Superman or Superwoman. There is no reward for getting it all done right this minute.
Step Three - Learn to forgive yourself. I know you have been taught you must get everything done in one day and what you don't get done you must lay in bed and flagellate yourself over. I know, I know, we have been conditioned by society that we must put on this facade of a perfect life. Guess what, there are no awards for having the perfectly cleaned house or always helping out people when they ask for it. Which leads me to step four...
Step Four - The magic word. This is going to be a tough one. Deep breath and repeat after me. NO. Let's try it again. NO. Use this magic word (NO) to create boundaries for yourself. Your time on this planet is finite. Don't waste it all doing everything for everyone. You can't be all things. If you are running around trying to do everything asked of you, you will have no energy for yourself.
Step four is a very hard step. I get it. You want to be a good friend, a good sister, a good child. However, if you are constantly using your energy for everyone else and leaving nothing for you, your batteries will eventually just run down to zero. Then what? You can't do anything on a dead battery. Learn to set boundaries and take care of yourself first. This step is critical for self care.
Are you still with me? You've evaluated your energy, figured out the difference between have to's and like to's, learned to forgive yourself for not being superhuman, and learned to say no and set firm boundaries. Are we ready to move on?
Step Five - Recharge. What can you do just for you? This might be taking a bubble bath, or reading a good book with a glass of wine. Maybe going for a walk. Figure out what you can do just for you. I know you're used to putting yourself last, but this must change, dear reader. You need to put your own needs first. Now now, I'm not telling you to be selfish and never do anything for anyone else. All I'm saying is put yourself first, take care of what you need to do, including recharging your batteries. If you have energy left over after you've done what YOU NEED to do, then you can help others.
As to not overload you dear reader, I am going to leave it there. You can start practicing these five steps and see how it goes. Please report in on how you feel after practicing. You know I love to hear from you!
Do you have a recommendation on self care? Did I miss a step? Please comment below. I too am learning how to do this "self care" thing.
Until Next Time <3
Melissa
It's time we talked about self care. This is important for normal people and for us spoonies. I know a lot of you don't invest in self care which is why we are going to have ourselves a little chat. Now you may be asking yourself, what makes this random blogger an expert? Well dear reader, I have lived with fibromyalgia and an autoimmune disease called CREST for over 5 years now. If I do not take care of myself daily and set up boundaries I get myself in a whole mess of trouble. Trouble equals a flare and me being in bed for days if not weeks. It is my goal in this blog to impart to you some of my hard-gained knowledge in the world of self care.
Go grab yourself a drink. Coffee or tea if that's what you need. Something stronger if that will help. I'll wait... Are you ready? Then let's do this.
Step One - Figure out the energy you have. In the spoonie community we call this our number of spoons. For my readers who might not be familiar with Spoon Theory you may find it here. Now your energy level should be what you can accomplish on a normal day. Not a full on emergency situation day. This is the energy level you have without being totally wiped out. The kind of day where you go to bed tired, not the kind of day where you literally fall into bed.
Step Two - Now that you have figured out what you can get done in a day, you need to prioritize your day. What must get done versus what you'd like to get done. These priorities might change from day to day. For example, must the laundry get done today? If you still have clean clothes to wear and you have more pressing matters, I'd put that on the "like to get done" list. It is very important you learn the difference between "like to get done" and "must get done." You are not Superman or Superwoman. There is no reward for getting it all done right this minute.
Step Three - Learn to forgive yourself. I know you have been taught you must get everything done in one day and what you don't get done you must lay in bed and flagellate yourself over. I know, I know, we have been conditioned by society that we must put on this facade of a perfect life. Guess what, there are no awards for having the perfectly cleaned house or always helping out people when they ask for it. Which leads me to step four...
Step Four - The magic word. This is going to be a tough one. Deep breath and repeat after me. NO. Let's try it again. NO. Use this magic word (NO) to create boundaries for yourself. Your time on this planet is finite. Don't waste it all doing everything for everyone. You can't be all things. If you are running around trying to do everything asked of you, you will have no energy for yourself.
Step four is a very hard step. I get it. You want to be a good friend, a good sister, a good child. However, if you are constantly using your energy for everyone else and leaving nothing for you, your batteries will eventually just run down to zero. Then what? You can't do anything on a dead battery. Learn to set boundaries and take care of yourself first. This step is critical for self care.
Are you still with me? You've evaluated your energy, figured out the difference between have to's and like to's, learned to forgive yourself for not being superhuman, and learned to say no and set firm boundaries. Are we ready to move on?
Step Five - Recharge. What can you do just for you? This might be taking a bubble bath, or reading a good book with a glass of wine. Maybe going for a walk. Figure out what you can do just for you. I know you're used to putting yourself last, but this must change, dear reader. You need to put your own needs first. Now now, I'm not telling you to be selfish and never do anything for anyone else. All I'm saying is put yourself first, take care of what you need to do, including recharging your batteries. If you have energy left over after you've done what YOU NEED to do, then you can help others.
As to not overload you dear reader, I am going to leave it there. You can start practicing these five steps and see how it goes. Please report in on how you feel after practicing. You know I love to hear from you!
Do you have a recommendation on self care? Did I miss a step? Please comment below. I too am learning how to do this "self care" thing.
Until Next Time <3
Melissa
Thursday, November 3, 2016
It's Been Awhile...Let's Catch Up
I stopped blogging over three years ago. I'm not sure why. But in the last few months I've been thinking I need to revive this blog and get back at it. So let's catch up (and three years is a lot of ground to cover, so grab a drink and settle in for a long one).
Through my jewelry and vending at various events I made some new friends and got involved in an amazing performance art community here in the Dallas area. In 2015 I even went to work part time for an amazing company. Overall life got better. I still had bad days but they seemed to be fewer. Life was pretty good for a couple of years.
Then on December 26th, 2015 my world was rocked. If you're friends with me on Facebook you know a little about this date. That's the day an EF4 tornado ripped through my hometown of Rowlett, Texas. This blog is the first time I've REALLY talked about how it affected me. It's been 10 months and I've written this blog in my head a thousand times, but I could never bring myself to really put it out there. Until now.
I like to keep things fairly upbeat. I don't hide the bad things or the not so good things. I've blogged about my fibromyalgia and my autoimmune disorder. I just try to not let them define me or use them to get attention or pity from others. I try to focus on good things or funny things. People don't need to know about my problems or how I really feel. They have their own issues. So why am I writting this blog? Because I feel this topic is too important to hide. So let's talk about the night of the tornado.
It was the day after Christmas. In fact it was a pretty nice day and we had the windows open. It was warm and beautiful. A cold front was expected later that night but thats not unusual. The weather varies in Texas. There was even a possibility of storms. As it became evening the threat of storms became greater, but I wasn't too concerned. I live on what is known as The Peninsula in Rowlett. We are on this strip of land in the middle of Lake Ray Hubbard. Traditionally severe weather has either gone to the north or to the south of us. I've lived here for 15 years and we had never had any severe weather related damage to out house or vehicles. I was so unconcerned I wasn't even watching the weather. It was a Netflix and chill kind of night.
My husband finally was said we should turn on the news and watch the weather. Okay fine. Another thing you need to understand is I grew up in Upstate New York. Winter weather doesn't phase me. Here in Texas, when we get ice and snow the local TV stations make it out to be there is an impending apocalypse. So I've come to ingore the "we're all going to die" hyperbole the local stations spew.
As the line of storms grew closer my husband went outside to watch. He's an Iowa boy and apparently tornadoes are events to be watched there. Not long after Aaron went outside to watch he came running back in saying we needed to take cover. Houses here do not have basements so taking cover means to go to the center of the house to a room with no windows. We attempted to get the dogs to go with us and about this point I could hear the awful sound a tornado makes. Three dogs went with Aaron. I was chasing down a fourth dog when the tornado hit. We lost power and you could hear everything hitting the house. It was terrifying and then it was over.
Flash lights were turned on. Damage was checked. Neighbors were checked on and loose dogs were put in our backyard as our fence was still standing. It was chaos. After things kind of calmed down here Aaron said we should go check on my parents' house. My parents were visiting my brother in North Carolina for Christmas and we were watching the house and feeding the cat. Back in 2014 my parents had purchaed a second house just two blocks from my house. We walked over there (there were shingles and nails sprinkled throughout the streets and my husband didn't want to replace tires on his truck) expecting to need to maybe board up some windows. We grabbed our cat carrier just in case we needed to grab Spike (the family cat). I was not prepared for what we were to find.
As you can see there was nothing left. This 3300 square foot house was just gone. Picking through the debris took a number of days and a number of volunteers. My parents got here as fast as they could. My brother came from North Carolina. A friend of my father's from NY came down. The damage was overwhelming.
For the first week after the tornado it was just go go go. Help recover items from the debris while there was light and clean recovered items and wash recovered laundry at night (once power was restored which was three days). At first I didn't sleep at night because there was stuff that needed done. I was also on Facebook a lot trying to keep up with the news. The tornado took a diagonal path across the peninsula.
My parents had lost everything, including a number of family heirlooms. My neighbors lost a lot. My neighborhood looked like a war zone. There was grief, loss, and devastation everywhere I looked. For about a week I physically was able to hold up; considering my fibromyalgia and autoimmune, this was an outstanding amount of time. After about a week I was forced to bed with a flair.
And then I was able to think, able to absorb everything that had happened. It also allowed me time to let the survivors guilt settle in. From there I spiraled downward. I was unable to sleep at night, even with the help of Ambien. I then tried Ambien and alcohol (which you're not supposed to do). I tried other combinations I won't go into. Night became a time of total terror. I was able to sleep during the day sometimes. I stopped leaving the house. I even hated to walk out my front door to get the mail. Eventually it got to the point where I rarely left the master bedroom.
For reasons I won't get into seeking professional help was not an option. I knew my mental state had gotten very bad. Any type of thunderstorm or threat of a storm triggered me. We had a near miss with our house (pretty minimal damage; houses literally across the street were total losses). Any storm felt like it was going to happen all over again but this time it would take us out. Some TV shows would trigger me. Anything with explosions that caused destruction were hard to watch.
Luckily I have some really amazing friends who I chat with via Facebook Messanger reguarly. One friend (Jane) was my rock. I don't know how I would have gotten through this horrible time without her. Another friend (Kate) gave me the suggestion that put me on my path to recovery. Kate suggested I take up gardening. Around April I started planting vegtables and herbs. Then I started a fairy garden. By the beginning of June I had transformed my backyard into a tranquil space. The work of creating a safe space and helping plants grow really helped to heal my devastation.
I started to go out with friends more. I'd still sometimes have panic attacks leaving the house. But I had to push through it. I even took a road trip with my mom and visited upstate NY twice (I flew up to help her drive to Texas to take care of some business, then helped her drive back three weeks later and flew home). Going back home and seeing long time friends (20 years+) also really helped to ground and recenter me. I came home from my second trip feeling better than I had in months.
If you've stuck with me this long, you're probably wondering why I wrote this large tome. I have two reasons. One, to bring awareness to things like depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I know a number of people that stuggle with these and I now have a better understanding of them. Obviously my poor mental state was caused by an event. I still get triggered occassionally but I'm working on healing. I know some people have depression and general anxiety and that is something you don't just get over. Those are conditions that need medication to be managed. For some reason there is a stigma attached with metal illness and there shouldn't be. We don't judge people who are diabetic or have heart conditions. I would like to see awareness raised for mental illness and the stigma eradicated.
My second reason for this blog is I want to get back to blogging so I see this post as a jump start. Earlier this year I started a Facebook group for people like me (Spoonies) who have a chronic condition. I started it out of a need to connect with others like myself. Little did I know how rewarding it would be to connect people so they can help and support others like them. It's powerful just to know you're not alone. I'd like to take it a step further and make this blog spoonie-centric. It will still be my random thoughts and it will still be all over the place. However my goal is to try to make it more focused on my spoonie lifestyle. It will still be applicable to everyone, just more suited to those of us with chronic conditions.
So there it is. I think we've caught up. I hope this blog finds you, my dear readers, well and I will catch you again soon.
Until Next Time (and not three years from now),
Melissa
Through my jewelry and vending at various events I made some new friends and got involved in an amazing performance art community here in the Dallas area. In 2015 I even went to work part time for an amazing company. Overall life got better. I still had bad days but they seemed to be fewer. Life was pretty good for a couple of years.
Then on December 26th, 2015 my world was rocked. If you're friends with me on Facebook you know a little about this date. That's the day an EF4 tornado ripped through my hometown of Rowlett, Texas. This blog is the first time I've REALLY talked about how it affected me. It's been 10 months and I've written this blog in my head a thousand times, but I could never bring myself to really put it out there. Until now.
I like to keep things fairly upbeat. I don't hide the bad things or the not so good things. I've blogged about my fibromyalgia and my autoimmune disorder. I just try to not let them define me or use them to get attention or pity from others. I try to focus on good things or funny things. People don't need to know about my problems or how I really feel. They have their own issues. So why am I writting this blog? Because I feel this topic is too important to hide. So let's talk about the night of the tornado.
It was the day after Christmas. In fact it was a pretty nice day and we had the windows open. It was warm and beautiful. A cold front was expected later that night but thats not unusual. The weather varies in Texas. There was even a possibility of storms. As it became evening the threat of storms became greater, but I wasn't too concerned. I live on what is known as The Peninsula in Rowlett. We are on this strip of land in the middle of Lake Ray Hubbard. Traditionally severe weather has either gone to the north or to the south of us. I've lived here for 15 years and we had never had any severe weather related damage to out house or vehicles. I was so unconcerned I wasn't even watching the weather. It was a Netflix and chill kind of night.
My husband finally was said we should turn on the news and watch the weather. Okay fine. Another thing you need to understand is I grew up in Upstate New York. Winter weather doesn't phase me. Here in Texas, when we get ice and snow the local TV stations make it out to be there is an impending apocalypse. So I've come to ingore the "we're all going to die" hyperbole the local stations spew.
As the line of storms grew closer my husband went outside to watch. He's an Iowa boy and apparently tornadoes are events to be watched there. Not long after Aaron went outside to watch he came running back in saying we needed to take cover. Houses here do not have basements so taking cover means to go to the center of the house to a room with no windows. We attempted to get the dogs to go with us and about this point I could hear the awful sound a tornado makes. Three dogs went with Aaron. I was chasing down a fourth dog when the tornado hit. We lost power and you could hear everything hitting the house. It was terrifying and then it was over.
Flash lights were turned on. Damage was checked. Neighbors were checked on and loose dogs were put in our backyard as our fence was still standing. It was chaos. After things kind of calmed down here Aaron said we should go check on my parents' house. My parents were visiting my brother in North Carolina for Christmas and we were watching the house and feeding the cat. Back in 2014 my parents had purchaed a second house just two blocks from my house. We walked over there (there were shingles and nails sprinkled throughout the streets and my husband didn't want to replace tires on his truck) expecting to need to maybe board up some windows. We grabbed our cat carrier just in case we needed to grab Spike (the family cat). I was not prepared for what we were to find.
 |
| Before and after of my parents' home |
As you can see there was nothing left. This 3300 square foot house was just gone. Picking through the debris took a number of days and a number of volunteers. My parents got here as fast as they could. My brother came from North Carolina. A friend of my father's from NY came down. The damage was overwhelming.
For the first week after the tornado it was just go go go. Help recover items from the debris while there was light and clean recovered items and wash recovered laundry at night (once power was restored which was three days). At first I didn't sleep at night because there was stuff that needed done. I was also on Facebook a lot trying to keep up with the news. The tornado took a diagonal path across the peninsula.
 |
| Aerial shot of the tornado path. The red dot is where my parents house was. I don't know who took the original aerial shot. |
My parents had lost everything, including a number of family heirlooms. My neighbors lost a lot. My neighborhood looked like a war zone. There was grief, loss, and devastation everywhere I looked. For about a week I physically was able to hold up; considering my fibromyalgia and autoimmune, this was an outstanding amount of time. After about a week I was forced to bed with a flair.
And then I was able to think, able to absorb everything that had happened. It also allowed me time to let the survivors guilt settle in. From there I spiraled downward. I was unable to sleep at night, even with the help of Ambien. I then tried Ambien and alcohol (which you're not supposed to do). I tried other combinations I won't go into. Night became a time of total terror. I was able to sleep during the day sometimes. I stopped leaving the house. I even hated to walk out my front door to get the mail. Eventually it got to the point where I rarely left the master bedroom.
For reasons I won't get into seeking professional help was not an option. I knew my mental state had gotten very bad. Any type of thunderstorm or threat of a storm triggered me. We had a near miss with our house (pretty minimal damage; houses literally across the street were total losses). Any storm felt like it was going to happen all over again but this time it would take us out. Some TV shows would trigger me. Anything with explosions that caused destruction were hard to watch.
Luckily I have some really amazing friends who I chat with via Facebook Messanger reguarly. One friend (Jane) was my rock. I don't know how I would have gotten through this horrible time without her. Another friend (Kate) gave me the suggestion that put me on my path to recovery. Kate suggested I take up gardening. Around April I started planting vegtables and herbs. Then I started a fairy garden. By the beginning of June I had transformed my backyard into a tranquil space. The work of creating a safe space and helping plants grow really helped to heal my devastation.
 |
| Collage of my Fairy Garden |
I started to go out with friends more. I'd still sometimes have panic attacks leaving the house. But I had to push through it. I even took a road trip with my mom and visited upstate NY twice (I flew up to help her drive to Texas to take care of some business, then helped her drive back three weeks later and flew home). Going back home and seeing long time friends (20 years+) also really helped to ground and recenter me. I came home from my second trip feeling better than I had in months.
If you've stuck with me this long, you're probably wondering why I wrote this large tome. I have two reasons. One, to bring awareness to things like depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I know a number of people that stuggle with these and I now have a better understanding of them. Obviously my poor mental state was caused by an event. I still get triggered occassionally but I'm working on healing. I know some people have depression and general anxiety and that is something you don't just get over. Those are conditions that need medication to be managed. For some reason there is a stigma attached with metal illness and there shouldn't be. We don't judge people who are diabetic or have heart conditions. I would like to see awareness raised for mental illness and the stigma eradicated.
My second reason for this blog is I want to get back to blogging so I see this post as a jump start. Earlier this year I started a Facebook group for people like me (Spoonies) who have a chronic condition. I started it out of a need to connect with others like myself. Little did I know how rewarding it would be to connect people so they can help and support others like them. It's powerful just to know you're not alone. I'd like to take it a step further and make this blog spoonie-centric. It will still be my random thoughts and it will still be all over the place. However my goal is to try to make it more focused on my spoonie lifestyle. It will still be applicable to everyone, just more suited to those of us with chronic conditions.
So there it is. I think we've caught up. I hope this blog finds you, my dear readers, well and I will catch you again soon.
Until Next Time (and not three years from now),
Melissa
Friday, July 20, 2012
Crossroad
Do you ever feel like your life is at a crossroads? You are standing in the middle of the intersection, but there are no signs to tell you which way to turn? I've encountered this throughout my life and I feel like I am there again. While I am not a fan of GPS devices (I have been known to have pretty good arguments with my Garmin), I do wish life came with one.
After I lost my job last November due to my health issues, I decided to focus on doing my jewelry 100% of the time (instead of as a side business). Did I expect to become the next "it" jeweler to Hollywood stars and the uber rich overnight? No (but don't get me wrong, I would take it). I know that running a small business takes time to build and that it would be a lot of hard work and it would be lean for awhile. I am not afraid of hard work and I'm not afraid of making sacrifices.
What I didn't fully understand was how nice having a regular paycheck really REALLY was. While I love being my own boss (okay, kind of, we all know the Feline Union runs this joint) I find there are months where I really hate the paycheck. I have also found I miss having coworkers. I have found virtual coworkers through Twitter and Etsy, but it's just not the same.
Now that I have a diagnosis and a management plan in place (and thank the Lord above for finally connecting me with a knowledgeable doctor who actually cares), I decided to test the job market waters. I actually had an interview shortly after I applied to a company.
It is at this point in my blog I would like to take a small "commercial" break and bring you this public service announcement. If you are going to bring someone in for an interview and have them drive 25 miles for said interview (50 miles round trip plus tolls), that's really no small thing. If you are going to ask them back for two more interviews that same week (now 150 miles and triple tolls) that's a big thing. If you tell the interviewee that you will have a decision that next week, do not make them email you twice over the next three weeks asking for an update to simply reply with a form email telling them thanks but no thanks. That is not the level of customer service I know for a fact you ask of your employees. If you tried this on one of your clients, you would surely be fired. Remember, what goes around comes around. And now back to our blog...
So here is my dilemma: Do I continue to test the job market waters? Do I have faith that my business will continue to grow and just tough it out? I have been helping my friend two days a week at her antique shop, which I enjoy. I get to play with antiques and it gets me out of the house (and away from the Feline Union that likes to shake me down for kitty treats). It's a nice "part time" job and I'm thankful for it. However at times it makes me yearn for the days where I sat behind a desk and played Corporate Barbie.
At the end of the day, all these variables, all the positives and all the negatives don't point in one direction, which leads me to feel like I'm standing in the middle of the road wondering which way to go. Lacking clear direction is outside my comfort zone (just ask my Garmin). What are your thoughts on my current situation, Dear Reader?
Until Tomorrow - Melissa
After I lost my job last November due to my health issues, I decided to focus on doing my jewelry 100% of the time (instead of as a side business). Did I expect to become the next "it" jeweler to Hollywood stars and the uber rich overnight? No (but don't get me wrong, I would take it). I know that running a small business takes time to build and that it would be a lot of hard work and it would be lean for awhile. I am not afraid of hard work and I'm not afraid of making sacrifices.
What I didn't fully understand was how nice having a regular paycheck really REALLY was. While I love being my own boss (okay, kind of, we all know the Feline Union runs this joint) I find there are months where I really hate the paycheck. I have also found I miss having coworkers. I have found virtual coworkers through Twitter and Etsy, but it's just not the same.
Now that I have a diagnosis and a management plan in place (and thank the Lord above for finally connecting me with a knowledgeable doctor who actually cares), I decided to test the job market waters. I actually had an interview shortly after I applied to a company.
It is at this point in my blog I would like to take a small "commercial" break and bring you this public service announcement. If you are going to bring someone in for an interview and have them drive 25 miles for said interview (50 miles round trip plus tolls), that's really no small thing. If you are going to ask them back for two more interviews that same week (now 150 miles and triple tolls) that's a big thing. If you tell the interviewee that you will have a decision that next week, do not make them email you twice over the next three weeks asking for an update to simply reply with a form email telling them thanks but no thanks. That is not the level of customer service I know for a fact you ask of your employees. If you tried this on one of your clients, you would surely be fired. Remember, what goes around comes around. And now back to our blog...
So here is my dilemma: Do I continue to test the job market waters? Do I have faith that my business will continue to grow and just tough it out? I have been helping my friend two days a week at her antique shop, which I enjoy. I get to play with antiques and it gets me out of the house (and away from the Feline Union that likes to shake me down for kitty treats). It's a nice "part time" job and I'm thankful for it. However at times it makes me yearn for the days where I sat behind a desk and played Corporate Barbie.
At the end of the day, all these variables, all the positives and all the negatives don't point in one direction, which leads me to feel like I'm standing in the middle of the road wondering which way to go. Lacking clear direction is outside my comfort zone (just ask my Garmin). What are your thoughts on my current situation, Dear Reader?
Until Tomorrow - Melissa
Friday, June 8, 2012
Answers
Dear Reader - If you have followed my blog for awhile, you will know I have struggled with a mystery illness for over a year now. In early January, I detailed my mystery illness struggle (Catch up Here). A couple of months ago I reached out to a former coworker who also has an autoimmune disorder to see who her doctor was. She gladly gave me her doctor's name. It then took me another month to put on my "big girl pants" and make an appointment. You may ask why it took so long. Making a doctor's appointment may seem like a very easy thing to do. However, there comes a point where you can no longer deal with the emotional roller coaster of hope (surely this doctor will be able to help) to devastation when they shrug their shoulders and send you to the next specialist.
I went to see the new rheumatologist on May 24. I took with me all the copies of my medical records, organized by the specialist that had ordered each test. It was a considerable stack. My new doctor patiently listened to my tale of woe, then took my records while I changed for an examination. After looking over my records and examining me, she came up with a diagnosis. She said, "You have CREST, it's right here," as she pointed to the tests my hematologist ran last July. She also said that I have fibromyalgia. I was already being treated for the fibromyalgia, with the medications my GP "threw against the wall" last August (after my first rheumatologist told me he didn't have a magic potion for me).
One would think being diagnosed with an autoimmune and fibromyalgia would be a huge blow. This diagnosis felt like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. My husband even commented later that day that I looked like the weight of the world had been lifted from me. My new doctor ordered several new lab tests to get baselines. This included a lung function test, as pulmonary hypertension is a concern for people with CREST. The best part of my appointment was having a doctor tell me it was her job to help me manage my illness. Finally a teammate with an MD to her name!
Yesterday I had my two week follow up. We went over test results (including a confirmation on my CREST) and came up with a game plan. I will see her again in four months, unless I need to see her earlier. It was good to find out that my liver and kidneys are functioning normally (kidneys can be a concern as well for people with CREST). It's good to finally have answers.
As blessed as I feel to finally have my answers, I must tell you I also feel rage, mainly at my first rheumatologist. He had the same information presented to him. He said he could do nothing for me. When I begged for his help, I got a smart alec answer, which was highly unprofessional. I wonder what would have happened if I had been given the help I needed at the end of August instead of sarcasm.
I have to believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a purpose in everything. I do not know at this point what the purpose of this trial is. I hope in time to figure it out.
I do know one thing, Dear Reader: You have to be persistent in your medical care. I have found there are good doctors out there, who will help you, and there are also doctors out there that really shouldn't be practicing. If you run into the latter, don't give up. There is a lot of information out there (on the internet). Do research. Talk to people and see who their doctors are. Dr. House may be a fictional doctor, but doctors with his talents do exist in reality, as well.
Until Tomorrow - Melissa
I went to see the new rheumatologist on May 24. I took with me all the copies of my medical records, organized by the specialist that had ordered each test. It was a considerable stack. My new doctor patiently listened to my tale of woe, then took my records while I changed for an examination. After looking over my records and examining me, she came up with a diagnosis. She said, "You have CREST, it's right here," as she pointed to the tests my hematologist ran last July. She also said that I have fibromyalgia. I was already being treated for the fibromyalgia, with the medications my GP "threw against the wall" last August (after my first rheumatologist told me he didn't have a magic potion for me).
One would think being diagnosed with an autoimmune and fibromyalgia would be a huge blow. This diagnosis felt like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. My husband even commented later that day that I looked like the weight of the world had been lifted from me. My new doctor ordered several new lab tests to get baselines. This included a lung function test, as pulmonary hypertension is a concern for people with CREST. The best part of my appointment was having a doctor tell me it was her job to help me manage my illness. Finally a teammate with an MD to her name!
Yesterday I had my two week follow up. We went over test results (including a confirmation on my CREST) and came up with a game plan. I will see her again in four months, unless I need to see her earlier. It was good to find out that my liver and kidneys are functioning normally (kidneys can be a concern as well for people with CREST). It's good to finally have answers.
As blessed as I feel to finally have my answers, I must tell you I also feel rage, mainly at my first rheumatologist. He had the same information presented to him. He said he could do nothing for me. When I begged for his help, I got a smart alec answer, which was highly unprofessional. I wonder what would have happened if I had been given the help I needed at the end of August instead of sarcasm.
I have to believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a purpose in everything. I do not know at this point what the purpose of this trial is. I hope in time to figure it out.
I do know one thing, Dear Reader: You have to be persistent in your medical care. I have found there are good doctors out there, who will help you, and there are also doctors out there that really shouldn't be practicing. If you run into the latter, don't give up. There is a lot of information out there (on the internet). Do research. Talk to people and see who their doctors are. Dr. House may be a fictional doctor, but doctors with his talents do exist in reality, as well.
Until Tomorrow - Melissa
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